I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
