totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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