I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
