one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
