My room smells like vodka and shame
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
