Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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