I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
