how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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