My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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