I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I have fence marks all over my body
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
