You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Randomize