I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Randomize
