here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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