Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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