I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
