So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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