Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
