Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
