you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Come see our sink grown plant.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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