Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
