Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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