mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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