but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
