her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
