Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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