By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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