do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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