this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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