im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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