so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize