Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
