how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
