the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
