Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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