You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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