I'm pants shitting drunk right now
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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