Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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