i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
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