...so i touched it.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
