I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
