Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize