you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
