So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
