Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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