I think I won the penis lottery.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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