i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
