Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Mom said you looked used
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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