What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
