i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
