Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
