he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
