You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
She told me I should be a condom model.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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