I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize