I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
