You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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