someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
