once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
