I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Randomize
