Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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