If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
