she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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