Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize