the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
