apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
