my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
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