And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
